I believe, at some point of time or another, there will be a period of time where one experiences total emotional changes, looking at things from another perspective, in-depth and completely different from the normal self. Sometimes I sit and wonder, what exactly have I done to my life. I'm demanding I know, but there's no need to be so abrupt. It's no fault of mine if you can't get it, since it wasn't related to me in the first place. Sometimes, frankness is appreciated, but only sometimes. It does have some impact, one way or another. Through this, I learnt not to trust easily. I've looked past your faults and accepted you again, as a completely casual friend. Not entirely trustworthy, but not exactly untrustworthy. There are times when I just want to break down and cry my heart out, not caring about anything or anyone else but myself, I do have my selfish moments too. Every now and then, I'm a tad insensitive, being the aloof bitch I sometimes am. And you know what? I don't give a damn. Yet occasionally, I raise my concerns, only to be eliminated from your life. It's not how I think you should do, but it's a sign for me to back off and leave you alone, granting you the peace you've always wanted from me, at least, this is what I think so. From time to time, I've faced you, with my inner most self, exposed and disclosed? I've no idea. I hope not. I don't want you to know too much about me either. It's my way of thinking you can't get used to? You'd better try, but even if you don't, I don't care either. When I look back, I don't want to trip over my silly self and fall. If I do, I want to stand up upright, stronger and better than before. You've once said, to do something without effort is equivalent to not doing it, but have you ever tried? You know it's not easy, but I don't sense that effort you'd mentioned. Perhaps, it's the reason why you didn't succeed. Things can be so easy at times, yet so difficult. It's the same with relationships. All kinds of relationships. There shouldn't be anything kept from each other. Honesty, is really the best policy, usually. Since I'm one insensitive person, I doubt I'll ever know it, until you made it really clear, which sometimes, I'm afraid to know. Remember the time I cried so badly? Just because you refused to tell me what exactly is wrong? If there wasn't someone else to guide me along, I doubt we'll be how we're like, now. It's a matter of communication, come out with whatever you've always wanted to say, to clear all questions, one at a go. Perhaps it may not be the best solution, but until you've thought of a better one, it may very well be the best, so far. We all know how important effective communication is (OCOM, anyone?), but sometimes, what's best left unsaid should be kept deep in the heart, not allowed to surface, at all, until the time is right. When nothing else goes right, shut up. It may very well be the solution. Silence is the best policy, you've heard? It's not always the case. All I want to say right now, you'll never know what I want, what I mean, what I think, until you open your mouth (not kiss, you retard) and ask. In this little exchange of information, I know more about you, I discover you, I grow to find your importance to me. Honeys, I know you do, but please don't. Sometimes I put up a fake front, to assure you I'm okay, even when I'm not. What wrong would that be, since it's done, for you? By then, I would have gotten used to putting on a mask, varying every time I put it on. It's tiring, but it's becoming part of my mundane lifestyle already. Let you be the one to unveil that mask of mine, to allow my true self to shine, once more. How would you know if it's not you, if you didn't even bother? Sometimes I'll ask myself, is it worth it? A girl's got to be pampered, not bullied, even by her own self's thinking. There are times when I'm alone, I don't want to be alone, I'm left alone. Abandoned? I don't know. I'd lived a futile life. There are times when I actually want to be alone, yet peace was not allowed, not even for a short moment for my train of thoughts to flow through, and finish the flow. I want to be alone, yet not alone. I want someone, yet not really. I'm maybe just experiencing emotional paradox, being a complete emotional wreck right now. Whenever I feel that my heart may be opened, I shut it tighter, locked it secure and denies all entry. After all, pain and hurt, it's all going to be the same, especially if it didn't leave a pleasant impact. None at all. Some relationships exist, purely to hurt. I'm sorry if you think I'm doing it on purpose, but no. I wouldn't have gone to such extents. It's not even required. Usually, it's always so much easier to hurt than to heal. The wound may have closed, but the scar remains. No amount of surgery can remove the psychological and mental scar, permanently etched in my mind. If it goes on, I'm afraid. I'm worried about everything. I'm cowardly, you say? I won't deny, though I wouldn't admit it either. I don't want to be hurt anymore, at the same time, I don't wish to hurt anyone either. For now, closure might, perhaps, be the best and only thing I can do now.
OHWELL. Thoughts that are running through my mind right now, I wanted to say these in the past, I didn't have the courage to do so. There're so many people I want to tell all these to. No paragraphs, not meant for you to have an easy time reading this. No difficult language though, I couldn't be bothered. Everything's jumbled up, to different people I want to say it to at different times. To the many who had always been there, I thank you. To the many who love/loved me, I thank you too. To the one who's reading this and has no idea at all, it's okay, you bothered, and I thank you. To everyone, don't forget to tag. I LOVE YOU guys&girls. -hugs-
You say it best, when you say nothing at all. (What a stupid song this is, reason being, it contradicts my entry in one way or another. I'm going to hate this song, at least until I'm feeling better about everything. For now, perhaps, it'll be good not to touch on certain topics which I don't feel like mentioning with me.)
What will I do without my darlings? Thanks for the support and encouragement. -HUGS-
